The Beginning
First published on emmaecho.com, my portfolio site, in 2019. I'm streamlining emmaecho, however, the archives will still be accessible here.
((( The Beginning )))
Self Portrait in Desert with Orange Chair and Agave Spear; Albuquerque, NM
In order to properly tell the story of how photography came to be in my life, I have to start with myself. While that sounds rather self-centered, I must confess that now the whole concept seems somewhat foreign to me, as well. I initially started out staging various photoshoots, usually with myself as the main subject. They were comical, these early photography attempts, and it’s worth noting, if not entirely obvious, that none of those photos are shown here.
While I enjoyed the creative act quite thoroughly, the sheer volume of time it took to set up a 24 exposure roll of film, with a different background and outfits and props for each shot, usually somewhere in the vicinity of my mom’s bathtub, as the curtain rod made for nice draping uses, and the large vanity mirror behind the camera allowed for useful checking of one’s composure, as being both the subject and the photographer can be challenging without knowing what you look like as you pose ridiculously in old bed sheets with kitchen knives.
In reality, I’ve been around cameras my whole life. I picked up my own in my angsty teenage years as a way to be more accepting towards myself, and as a creative outlet. Over the years, looking at things through the lens grew to be more of a meditation, allowing me to find beauty where it may be invisible to the naked eye. Capturing life as it passes, allowing the images to float on by, trying to convey the sense of magic and awe, the underlying electric current with it’s sinewy veins running through every part of existence.
Rarely does it feel like I should be the subject of my own photos anymore. There seem to be so many other things that are more important to document, to be largely forgotten. My views of what makes an image successful have changed so drastically, I have to be in a very peculiar mindset to subject myself to a self-portraiture session. Plus, it takes up such a tremendous amount of effort to set something up that I will find likeable, I’d rather take the easier route and stay on one side of the camera most days, rather than jumping back and forth like a mad woman. I must say, my methods have gotten much more sophisticated than those days of composing oneself within the shot, going back to the camera to set the 10 second timer, then running back and trying to get back to where I was before, and then repeat a couple dozen times, without knowing at all if any of the images turned out. Afterwards, waiting for one of my parents to take my film into town to get it printed, and only then seeing if something turned out. Now, I set up my phone, and it shows me what the camera sees, and I compose, then hide the phone, and push the shutter button remotely. I can review the image on the phone screen and take as many more as I want to, all on one side of the camera. I guess I’m not sure why I don’t do more shoots by myself, as it really is so much easier to work out scheduling conflicts when I’m the only one involved… Life has gotten much more beautiful, the more complex it becomes. Let’s just say, most days I don’t feel I have the time or energy to do the necessary elaborate setups, but this is a mindset that I’m working on changing, and feel I have been making great leaps of progress in utilizing my time more efficiently, mostly through saying no to things that don’t fit in with my ultimate goals.
In reviewing the images of myself that pass my very critical approval test– ever so much less forgiving when the subject is myself - I see that I don’t often allow the camera to look me in the eye, and I appear to be somewhat of a shoegazer, but these are the images that make something inside of me awaken. I enjoy dressing up and creating costumes and finding microcosms for these creatures to spring into being into. Self-portraiture allows me to feel comfortable in a variety of skins as well as explore aspects of my personality, some more foreign feeling than others in regards to my ‘true self’.
I like those cracked and forgotten aspects of life, the things that have been brushed away and left to blow around with dust bunnies in the corner of the psyche. I treasure those forgotten moments and possessions, keeping them close like jewels burning brightly, like a thought preserved in amber. I look for the beauty in the mundane, for what is this existence if not a timeline punctuated by marks of extreme joy or terrible pain? Hidden away in the shadows, alongside the lost buttons and heartaches of yesterday, the glimmers of tomorrow shine brightly.
While I enjoyed the creative act quite thoroughly, the sheer volume of time it took to set up a 24 exposure roll of film, with a different background and outfits and props for each shot, usually somewhere in the vicinity of my mom’s bathtub, as the curtain rod made for nice draping uses, and the large vanity mirror behind the camera allowed for useful checking of one’s composure, as being both the subject and the photographer can be challenging without knowing what you look like as you pose ridiculously in old bed sheets with kitchen knives.
In reality, I’ve been around cameras my whole life. I picked up my own in my angsty teenage years as a way to be more accepting towards myself, and as a creative outlet. Over the years, looking at things through the lens grew to be more of a meditation, allowing me to find beauty where it may be invisible to the naked eye. Capturing life as it passes, allowing the images to float on by, trying to convey the sense of magic and awe, the underlying electric current with it’s sinewy veins running through every part of existence.
Rarely does it feel like I should be the subject of my own photos anymore. There seem to be so many other things that are more important to document, to be largely forgotten. My views of what makes an image successful have changed so drastically, I have to be in a very peculiar mindset to subject myself to a self-portraiture session. Plus, it takes up such a tremendous amount of effort to set something up that I will find likeable, I’d rather take the easier route and stay on one side of the camera most days, rather than jumping back and forth like a mad woman. I must say, my methods have gotten much more sophisticated than those days of composing oneself within the shot, going back to the camera to set the 10 second timer, then running back and trying to get back to where I was before, and then repeat a couple dozen times, without knowing at all if any of the images turned out. Afterwards, waiting for one of my parents to take my film into town to get it printed, and only then seeing if something turned out. Now, I set up my phone, and it shows me what the camera sees, and I compose, then hide the phone, and push the shutter button remotely. I can review the image on the phone screen and take as many more as I want to, all on one side of the camera. I guess I’m not sure why I don’t do more shoots by myself, as it really is so much easier to work out scheduling conflicts when I’m the only one involved… Life has gotten much more beautiful, the more complex it becomes. Let’s just say, most days I don’t feel I have the time or energy to do the necessary elaborate setups, but this is a mindset that I’m working on changing, and feel I have been making great leaps of progress in utilizing my time more efficiently, mostly through saying no to things that don’t fit in with my ultimate goals.
In reviewing the images of myself that pass my very critical approval test– ever so much less forgiving when the subject is myself - I see that I don’t often allow the camera to look me in the eye, and I appear to be somewhat of a shoegazer, but these are the images that make something inside of me awaken. I enjoy dressing up and creating costumes and finding microcosms for these creatures to spring into being into. Self-portraiture allows me to feel comfortable in a variety of skins as well as explore aspects of my personality, some more foreign feeling than others in regards to my ‘true self’.
I like those cracked and forgotten aspects of life, the things that have been brushed away and left to blow around with dust bunnies in the corner of the psyche. I treasure those forgotten moments and possessions, keeping them close like jewels burning brightly, like a thought preserved in amber. I look for the beauty in the mundane, for what is this existence if not a timeline punctuated by marks of extreme joy or terrible pain? Hidden away in the shadows, alongside the lost buttons and heartaches of yesterday, the glimmers of tomorrow shine brightly.
Shadow with Footprints and Light Leak; Bakkum, The Netherlands
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Self Portrait with Black Light; White Sands, NM
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Self Portrait with Butterfly Wrap and Sunset Hills; Bisti, NM
Self Portrait at Sunset; Sandia Foothills, Albuquerque, NM
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Self Portrait with Water Lilies and Rushes; Albuquerque, NM
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Footsie with Cracked Earth; Bisti, NM
Triple Shadow Self Portrait in Shades of Purple; Explora, Albuquerque, NM
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Dia de los Muertos Marigold Parade Self Portrait; South Valley, Albuquerque, NM
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Space Heater Face Mask Self Portrait
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Reflecting Sphere Self Portrait; Very Large Array, NM
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Self Portrait with Smoke Bombs and Umbrella
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Meet the Creeper - Self Portrait with Virginia Creeper Headdress
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Footsie with Compass E
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