It Multiplies...
8/24/2018
I thought I'd have my baby on the full moon. I'd hoped to not have to be cut open again. I also learned not to be disappointed if you don't get what you're hoping for, especially in the birth of a child. The full moon missing on the day of my second child's birth was no big deal. In fact, we got an even better view of it a few days later, from the window of our hospital room. It turned out, having yet another portal cut into my body wasn't that bad this time around, either. I got to see my son emerge. My husband took a video of him being born, a little zombie baby covered in blood emerging from my flesh. His first breaths on video... I got to hold him and he stayed with me the entire time in the hospital. He never left my sight. It was so unlike the first time - the butchering of the emergency c-section, like being thrown to the wolves, the child taken away to the NICU and both of us confined to our respective beds, tethered by IVs and monitors, I hardly saw him the first few days of his life... This was different. Not what I'd hoped for, but just fine.
|
|
I don't know who first said it, that love doesn't divide, it multiplies, and I can see that to be true now. Towards the end of my second pregnancy, I felt an urgency to spend time with my older son, feeling our time of just us quickly slipping away. I didn't know how any of us would be after the baby came. I went from seeing my older son as this little guy, so small, still my 'baby', and overnight, he grew into this huge, stretched out child. He seemed gigantic next to his newborn brother. I felt a sadness in the suddenness of it, like I'd missed so much while he was away for the day while I was having his brother. He is such a good older brother. He loves 'his baby' so much. Meanwhile, my love for them both has just grown. Some days are hard, but a smile from either one sets my mood right. My 5 year old has a great insight and he speaks his mind, leaving me to ponder the existential questions he has raised in my mind by his responses. "Do you love me or papa more?" he asked me one day. "Oh, I love all of you guys very much," I replied, to which he responded "Even Dante? But he's just a baby. He doesn't love you." One day, while driving and the baby was quite fussy for most of the day, we asked B why he thought the baby was crying. "Maybe he's sad to be alive." Maybe. But I hope not.
I am quite in love with my life. It is hard, and I feel like I'm sleepwalking many of the days, but I love it. I feel like I'm so much more productive, taking advantage of my 5 minutes here and there to get things done. There is a sense of urgency, it drives me to not procrastinate because I know if I don't take advantage of the windows of time when they present themselves, I may not get another one for some time. With each birth of my two babies, I feel like I've grown in many ways, learned new things about life and about myself. I want to keep learning. I want to keep improving, for them, and for me. These two boys will be the only babies I will birth from my body. It was both a celebration and a grieving process going through what I knew would be my last pregnancy. Some parts it made it easier, knowing that this would be the last time I'd experience the discomforts of growing a child within. Some parts I cherish even more, like remembering the feeling of a tiny life moving around inside of me, growing stronger on their journey to the outside, into the nether.
I'm feeling productive and excited about building my creative and artistic work, using the things I love to provide an income for my family. I have been gaining strength and energy every day, and though much of that energy and time is already devoted to caring for myself and my family, I have already begun to carve out little places where creative work can fit in, and it feels great.
I am quite in love with my life. It is hard, and I feel like I'm sleepwalking many of the days, but I love it. I feel like I'm so much more productive, taking advantage of my 5 minutes here and there to get things done. There is a sense of urgency, it drives me to not procrastinate because I know if I don't take advantage of the windows of time when they present themselves, I may not get another one for some time. With each birth of my two babies, I feel like I've grown in many ways, learned new things about life and about myself. I want to keep learning. I want to keep improving, for them, and for me. These two boys will be the only babies I will birth from my body. It was both a celebration and a grieving process going through what I knew would be my last pregnancy. Some parts it made it easier, knowing that this would be the last time I'd experience the discomforts of growing a child within. Some parts I cherish even more, like remembering the feeling of a tiny life moving around inside of me, growing stronger on their journey to the outside, into the nether.
I'm feeling productive and excited about building my creative and artistic work, using the things I love to provide an income for my family. I have been gaining strength and energy every day, and though much of that energy and time is already devoted to caring for myself and my family, I have already begun to carve out little places where creative work can fit in, and it feels great.
|
|