Foggy Celebrations...
5/6/2019
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This year has passed by so quickly. So much of it has seemed to be like a dream, in a fog, or like a wispy veil laid over my eyes, and here I am, nearly a third of the year later, sharing my simple birthday celebration from January...
I bought my own flowers, to brighten up the day. I was still very much reeling from loss, not even a month before. I'd not felt much like celebrating. Things seemed dull, color-wise, and sharp around the edges. I'd cry out of nowhere, some little memento or memory setting me off. Strangely, I felt her presence so much more then. Guiding me. We painted a picture together, and I could feel her hand in/on mine, choosing the colors, making the strokes just a bit more crazy. Maybe I needed her more then, and she was there. Now she feels farther away, moving out into the universe. Moving out in all directions, expanding, diluting. Cosmic dilation. I don't feel her very much anymore, though I still think of her often. I'm making seed packets for her, for the ceremony this summer in Michigan. I'm carelessly putting the seeds into the envelopes outside, and some fall free with the breeze, and who knows, perhaps they will germinate somewhere in my yard or beyond. The seeds are native Michigan wildflowers, a mixture of butterfly and bouquet seed mixes - Patty's garden. This year has been so wet here in NM, perhaps some of the seeds will like it here.
Back to the simple celebrations. The flowers were beautiful. Anemones. They arrived as tight buds, and I documented them as they were, then as they opened, and then as they dried. I took photos and made digital crowns. We got a cake that was much too big. (The lady in front of us bought the last small one, so we got a big one and I ate it for a week. It was not that bad, in retrospect.) I lit my head on fire, figuratively anyway, and literally lit my Lego figure candle representation head on fire. It was fitting. I felt out of place, my thoughts a swirl of smoke and anger, and letting all that go with the flames.
I bought my own flowers, to brighten up the day. I was still very much reeling from loss, not even a month before. I'd not felt much like celebrating. Things seemed dull, color-wise, and sharp around the edges. I'd cry out of nowhere, some little memento or memory setting me off. Strangely, I felt her presence so much more then. Guiding me. We painted a picture together, and I could feel her hand in/on mine, choosing the colors, making the strokes just a bit more crazy. Maybe I needed her more then, and she was there. Now she feels farther away, moving out into the universe. Moving out in all directions, expanding, diluting. Cosmic dilation. I don't feel her very much anymore, though I still think of her often. I'm making seed packets for her, for the ceremony this summer in Michigan. I'm carelessly putting the seeds into the envelopes outside, and some fall free with the breeze, and who knows, perhaps they will germinate somewhere in my yard or beyond. The seeds are native Michigan wildflowers, a mixture of butterfly and bouquet seed mixes - Patty's garden. This year has been so wet here in NM, perhaps some of the seeds will like it here.
Back to the simple celebrations. The flowers were beautiful. Anemones. They arrived as tight buds, and I documented them as they were, then as they opened, and then as they dried. I took photos and made digital crowns. We got a cake that was much too big. (The lady in front of us bought the last small one, so we got a big one and I ate it for a week. It was not that bad, in retrospect.) I lit my head on fire, figuratively anyway, and literally lit my Lego figure candle representation head on fire. It was fitting. I felt out of place, my thoughts a swirl of smoke and anger, and letting all that go with the flames.
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