Into the Void...
There was standing room only at your memorial. If you had known that was the way it would be when you were alive, would it have made any difference to you?
I got home and finished planting my new garden plot (pictured above - I'm following Mel Bartholomew's book Square Foot Gardening and he recommends 4'x4' plots - nice squares within squares. As I had more climbing and/or tall plants than originally planned, I decided to do the same area but in a 2'x8' plot. And it looks like a grave. Considering my life and the loss there of surrounding mine, I thought it appropriate. Morbid, but appropriate.)
They thought they would bury us, but didn’t realize we were seeds. -Mexican proverb
Some people are saying that you did it for the attention. I don't feel one way or another about it. If you did do it for the attention, you succeeded. I've thought about you more over the past 2 weeks than I did all the years I hadn't even seen you...
You had a big heart. I thought that a few days after I heard about what happened. It may be cliche, or it may be that it is true, since quite a few other people expressed the same sentiment today, talking about you, sharing memories of you. Crying over you. "I'm not ready to not be her mom," your mom said through tears.
I was not a good friend to you. There was a time when I tried to be close to you, but I realized that you needed more than I had to give. You needed more than anyone had to give. I had to take care of myself - look out for myself. It may have been selfish, but how could I fix someone else when I needed to do so much work on myself?
People did love you - do love you - but you really had a hard time loving yourself. You had a big heart, and with that this tremendous void within it. The only person who could fill that void was you. And you did. With a bullet.
"Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more. It's contrast." -Virginia Woolf, The Hours
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